Excessive

I can tell that I've been going through a rough time lately, whatever that rough time might be, I know it's one of the recurring things I go through, but I honestly couldn't define it. I can tell that something is seriously wrong, and not just because of my terrible moods, or my ability to go from 10 to -10 in a split second, but also because of a cloud of obvious indicators that follow me around. I haven't been doing my chores at all, pretty much just ignoring my to do list altogether. Thankfully and luckily Bekki has been picking up my slack, but I really can feel myself slipping and not having the energy or motivation and that's a terrible thing, a terrible thing that can lead to worse things, but I know it will pass. I'm not saying that it's the end of the world, rather I'm saying it's a clear indicator that something is changed in my head, temporarily. The anxiety in my stomach, racing thoughts, desire to be creative but the torture of having the inability to focus on anything, not reading as much, not playing games or having a hard time concentrating, my fear of spending money, and also my lack of fear of spending money (it goes up and down)... these are all things plaguing me lately, and it's getting old now, I'm getting tired of it. I need to snap myself out of it, I need to wake up with a clear mind and a stomach that doesn't feel twisted into knots. I need to tell myself to have an organized day, to accomplish things, to feel good about the things that I do. I know that there isn't a 100% chance that that's going to do anything, but it's a place to start, and when you feel lost and hopeless, having a place to start is one of the most important things.

Where to begin... I sat down to write and I know there is a lot in me to write but I can't seem to get it to transform in to letters. I need to focus; need to sit still.

The internet cut out for a while an hour or so ago... no idea why, don't really wanna know, but everything seems to be working now, but god knows things can go wrong. So, if you mysteriously don't hear from me for awhile, you all know what happened.

Mark comes home (or is he visiting?) tomorrow after being in Banff for 8 months? I don't remember, some long ass number I'm sure. I'm pretty sure, he, myself, Michelle, Ally and Darcy are all just hanging out here at my place, playing Guitar Hero and whatever else, and I'm fairy certain we're all super poor so there's probably going to be no drinking going on, which is fine. It should be a fun day, and I'm looking forward to it.

It seems that Mark is going to be living at my place while he's in London which is cool. It'll take awhile to get used to but I think it'll be fun. He can stay as long as he wants (so come June 10th, he's welcome to continue staying with me). We still haven't had a chance to talk about details or any of that, only very briefly through email, but he said he's really easy to live with because he's had a room mate for the entire time in Banff, which is true, but he also got his room mate kicked off the mountain for destroying stuff haha.

I've been sleeping in really late, and having a lot of trouble falling asleep before the sun comes up, but I try. I lay there and listen to podcasts, or play Pokemon, and I just never get tired or comfortable or anything, I just keep rolling over and rolling over and moving my pillow and blah, nothing works and I'm not going back to sleeping pills. None of my sleeping habits ever last for long though, so I'm sure in a week or two my sleep will be completely different and I'll probably be complaining that I don't sleep in enough.

It's all about Dead Like Me bitches.

Linzie slept over again last night... but... let me start somewhere else for christ sakes!

Yesterday was Kyla's birthday, and Lindy, Geoff and myself attended (on short notice mind you). It was good to see Liz, since I hadn't seen her in about a year, and I hadn't seen Kyla in the same amount of time (duh?). Geoff and my Sister came and picked me up and we basically stood around with each other until an hour or two passed and we decided to leave. It was nice seeing Liz but I didn't know any of the people there and I was uncomfortable because they were all thuggin it out hardcore and stuff, and I was all dainty. We left and Geoff drove me home.

"Waking Up Beside You"