Excessive

I've been having a really hard time today to get out of this rut of lethargic and lazy I'm feeling, and nothing seems to be working. Yesterday I felt good and accomplished, like I was being active and smart, and today I feel the opposite. Such a giant change so quickly, catches me off guard sometimes.

I know it's been a long time, and I apologize for the wait, but I bet most of you have been busy with your holidays and celebrating various things, and haven't really been dropping by as often as normal. I'm so close to having a total breakdown that it's frightening. I can feel it all built up inside of me... I want to scream and tear my skin off... I just want to hide myself and cry and cry and just take a break from it all.. from everything; from all the feelings inside me and all the thoughts in my head. The doubts, the sickness I feel inside, the pain in my body, my fear of the future, and fear of my past, reaccuring thoughts, waking nightmares and fear of how I'm going to survive; and with all this stuff going on, and all this stuff going through me, I still feel so numb and lifeless. I enjoy the games I play, and I enjoy the company of my Emily, but there's just something wrong in my mind lately, that just doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm falling apart... I'm so close to breaking down.. I'm scared.