Excessive

I can't breath. I'm covered in sweat and my heart is pounding so hard I fear it'll stop.

I'm upset, very upset and I don't know why. I feel like a mental case; mental case... what a stupid phrase. What the fuck does that even mean? I write to myself in my head all day, all day, all the time, non-stop. I feel stuck in my head and tortured by paragraphs of texts, of well written internal dialogue that gets repeated with the intention of being recorded that night but quickly forgotten. I sit down to write and I basically just go, "duuuurrrr" until I get so frustrated that I give up and post some random, short, waste of space that I've been writing lately. I don't convey how I'm feeling, and worse yet, I don't convey the ideas I have, that I think about all the time, and that define me as the person I am now.

Things have been overwhelming lately, so much that I feel an impending nervous breakdown on the horizon and feel helpless to avoid it. Considering all the shit that I've been through lately, my lack of free time, comforts, quality time with people important to me, and all of that shit, I feel as though I've been doing pretty well, but the last couple days I think it's been catching up with me, and I'm starting to have doubts about just how strong I really am.

I feel as though I can't remember the last time things were normal - normal for me I mean. That's not to say things aren't good, things are good for the most part, but a part of me does miss the rigid routine and structure.

I think I'm really starting to dislike sitting here and staring at this screen, staring at this edit box and coming up blank, coming up completely uninspired, completely empty of any writing. It's been a problem, or is a problem, and will most likely continue to be.

I worked on my C++ project today and it was pretty nice. I've got it pretty much done, just need to comment it and polish it, but I'm happy with the results, as I feel they are exactly what is required.

Today I had an in-class assignment in Java and while I did arrive late, the assignment didn't start until an hour into the class, so it was all good. We had a choice of two different problems, one was selecting random numbers between 1-99 and storing them in a data structure that wasn't array, ensuring there were no duplicate numbers and then printing the numbers to the screen. The second option was simply writing a function that will calculate the factorial of a number without use of recursion, and that seemed really easy to me, so I went with that.

Oh my god! Community news!! The guy across the hall, Steve, whom I don't know at all but pretend we're best friends and usually my friends and I always ask each other if we should ask him over, or if he's wearing a shirt... he's moving out! Oh noes! Steve!! I heard Irene bothering them at like... 9pm, so they probably got evicted. I took the garbage out and all his stuff was in the hall (he was putting it there voluntarily) and when I was coming back in from outside Abe (the owner) was there and Steve said, "I'll be moving out today or tomorrow, so you can probably get started on the toilet" and while I don't know what that means, I really don't want to.