Excessive

I'm not feeling very relaxed, and it's my day off. I feel ripped off, and I know that really isn't much I can do about it. When I sit down to play the banjo, I feel antsy; when I sit down to play a game, I feel distracted. When I sit down to read my book (The Ocean At The End of the Lane), I feel rushed or like I shouldn't be doing it. I didn't really feel like this earlier but it's getting worse as I finish the stuff I had originally planned. I programmed, and went grocery shopping, finished my goals for programming, and then made dinner, but that's kind of when it all fell apart.

Still attempting to balance work, school and relaxing. Been doing better at all three lately I think, but it leaves little time for anything else (like writing).

such a source of loss and pain
where you think only of your gain

I had to wake up extra early this morning, as I worked a 7am to 3pm shift, a shift that I used to work every day, Monday to Friday, but it's been awhile, a long while actually, since I've had to. To get there for 7am, I have to wake up around 5:15am, and catch the bus. I got up, had coffee, scrambled eggs and toast (not sure where that energy came from... well... maybe I do) and listened to music quietly as I ate breakfast and got ready for work. I caught the bus, and after a terribly stinky trip to work, I arrived at the wonderful Windermere Manor.

I am terrible.

There is something wrong with me.

I'm lonely and tired and am too scared to go to sleep but feel really scared being awake right now.

I wish I had words in me that I could write down here and feel better but I can't. I feel really scared and uncomfortable. Today turned out to be a pretty bad day... I don't see things turning around any time soon.

I hate working on Saturdays. I really, really don't want to go to work right now, I feel nervous and I'm not looking forward to it. I work 8 to 3 next week instead of 8 to 4, but I'm too nervous to ask why, and there is a new girl who's this giant patronizing bitch, so I'm not really looking forward to work much lately.

So I was doing the dishes, and when I opened the nozzle on the dishsoap, it shot up and hit me in the eye, and it hurts so bad. I'm seeing double out of my right eyeball, and it's soo irritating. My eye watered for about an hour, and now it's just super dry and soar, and I can't quite read what I'm typing.

I really shold stop scooping the popcorn into my mouth, handful after handful, because I'm starting to feel pretty sick and yet, I can't seem to bring myself to stop doing it because it's just.. buttery goodness! I'm going to bed fairly soon, so I really should stop, so I'll just put it away I suppose.

How am I supposed to function in life if I can't even get enough courage to get out of bed in the morning. I'm scared of everything! It has gotten out of hand; to the point where I'm going to have to go to the doctors and talk and see what I can do. I can't go to work, I can't even feel comfortable leaving my apartment for any reason at all, even things like going to the store. This condition keeps getting worse and worse... nothing helps. Writing used to be therapy for me... now it feels like a chore, pointless and stupid, uninteresting and completely retarded (like me!) At least I used to feel angry at things... now I'm just numb to everything so much, and I'm so scared of anything and everything... how the hell am I going to live a life like this... what am I supposed to do? WHAT?