Excessive

Is it weird that I feel much more comfortable and okay when I'm super depressed? Is it weird that I just can't wait to get back to that dark and sad place? I can't stand feeling like this, feeling... creative but unable to create. It's like torture. I still feel lonely but I don't feel that longing for romance. I just feel resentful, I feel angry almost. I hate people for leading me on. I hate people for making me feel loved only to take it away when it doesn't amuse them anymore.

First Snow of 2011 is today, November 30th.

Ah, what to write about... I suppose the pressure and stress I've been feeling today had let up slightly, this morning I woke up and went to school... I didn't feel as tired, nor as groggy. I felt a bit lighter to be honest, magically awake inside for a few hours at least. I couple positive things happened during my time at school that helped me feel a bit better, including an email from a professor letting me know he may mark a project worth 13% of my final mark that had been ignored up until that point due to a faulty dropbox and an ignorant professor. An email I sent in September was replied to finally months later, so I guess it's better than never, right? What this means for me however, is that there is less pressure on me to get a super good mark on this next project, as before I was going into it with a zero on the first project which meant in order to get a passing mark in the class I had to do very well on both this upcoming project and the final exam, and if I get a decent grade on this first project, it makes it so I don't have to get quite as high a mark, so... less pressure.

I had trouble sleeping again last night, I got another headache, although no where near as bad as the night before, as I mentioned I wanted to die the other night, but last night wasn't nearly as bad. It was keeping me awake, and I had to be up for 6:00am to get to school, so it was causing me some frustration, and while I admit it's probably related to my neck/back pain, it feels like that's slowly getting better, as it's not really that noticeable today. I finally got to sleep around 3:30pm or so, but woke up late, very late, like three hours too late. To add insult to injury, I also still had a headache and no pills to take to try and make it feel better.

This is Jayla, my favorite this season of America's Next Top Model...

I've been having these overpowering feelings of dread or constant worry lately, that won't go away, and seem to cover many things in my life, not just one specific area. What I mean by that is that I'm not worrying about one specific thing in my life, but rather I'm feeling quite fearful about many things. For a change, these fears aren't causing panic attacks, or irrational behavior, so that leads me to believe that they are perhaps not blown out of proportion by whatever it is in my head that does the blowing (haha) and that they may be justified fears. My life is so insecure right now... it's all up in the air and I have no security, no definitive proof that things will work out, or that I will be okay; things seem to change from week to week, going from good, to bad, to great, to horrible, to who knows what's coming next. I've been trying very hard to stay happy and cheerful, even when faced with opposition; I try not to get upset or angry no matter how tempting it would be to be spiteful or hurtful. Things just sometimes, and most recently, feel hopeless, somewhat like no matter how hard I try, nothing turns out as good as I had tried to make it, with many aspects, like my freakin’ muffins. The fact that people around me have been moody themselves has only clashed with my attempts to become calm and relaxed, and usually egg me on to become angry or upset. Oh well, things will be better right? I suppose my strong fear of people abandoning me has been overtaking my hopefulness lately, with constant fear that I'll be alone with no hope without warning, it's very hard to keep hope alive.