Excessive

Work was very different today.. it dragged on, it was hard to concentrate and a lot of people were chatting. Usually Fridays are like that to an extent; today was secret santa at work, which meant everyone was talking and excited and... you know.. rowdy. I got paid today which mean... I could buy a secret santa gift? Yeah.. seems dumb kinda but I did. I ran to Red Big Apple Red Apple Big cheap ass wanna be bi-way store and picked up bubble bath, candles and nice smelling body wash on my break and ran back. I then wrote a letter to go with it, explaining how the gift wasn't completely impersonal and meaningless (as those gifts are just depressing.. such greed). The rest of the day seemed to drag on and on and I couldn't really concentrate or do anything... everything felt weird but not neccessarily in a bad way.. more of a neautral way.

I think today will be my last entry accompanied by a disgaea character. Not because I'm getting sick of looking at disgaea characters, but because I've run out of images to use... so that kinda puts a stop to that...

Today at work was pretty bad, but not specifically because of work itself, no it was the pounding, unbelievable pain of arthritis in my legs, hips and back that drove me insane with pain and suffering for what seemed like years. I begged a woman I didn't even know for medication of any kind and she helped me out with three extra strength acetemetophins, which took about a half hour to an hour to kick in, but most of the day had already gone by and it was... well... what seemed like a long day. One good thing to mention is: Tiffany (a supervisor at work) whispered to me while I was on a call, "you're doing _great_ this morning!" which is always nice to hear.

I wrote this at work, during the morning:

I'm so sick feeling... I get this feeling up my arm... into my chest, up my neck and then into my brain and it makes me want to fall to the ground and scream and kick and flail wildley. I don't know causes it...

I seem to have gained a natural resistence to heat, or hot bath water anyway. I just took a bath in scorching hot water, which burned at first, but once I got in, I didn't really mind it. The only reason I noticed it was so hot was because when I lifted my arm and hand out of the water, it was heavily steaming. Kinda neat.. hehe. It's relaxing to have it that hot... your muscles kinda melt.

Sometimes I feel so fucking confined; in this chair, in this building, in this fucking ugly skin. I feel like something is going to burst out of my chest, from my lungs, burst from behind my eyes and through my fingers. I want to get up out of this fucking chair and scream, and yell and fall to my knees and scream until it burns, if only in an attempt to free myself. I want to yell and cry and get the hell out of here. I want to get free, I want to feel like myself and act the way I want to act and just be myself. I fucking hate all of this... I sometimes wonder if I just got up and left work, if anyone would even notice; Probably no one would notice. It's strange to me that humans must suffer in order to feel anything else. I wish I were a cat...