Excessive

Today wasn't as relaxing as I had hoped. I woke up earlier than I had wanted, but thankfully I didn't wake up with a headache or anything. I didn't play any console games, didn't really listen to music, didn't really enjoy any games. I just felt a bit restless all day, and that feeling has kind of stuck with me all day.

Feeling things.

No more drugs, no more nasal spray, I don't think they're helping in the long term, even though they help a lot in the immediate. I'm not sure if I've ever really wrote about my sinus issues, but I should've. It plagues me, and is perhaps the single most troubling and uncomfortable thing that I have to deal with. Most, if not at all times of the day, my sinuses... close. I can't breath through my nose at all, and it can get so bad, so much pressure, that it starts to feel as if I'm choking. A while ago I started to use nasal spray, as it cleared the airways and stopped the sinus 'swelling' (if that's what it is), however, I'm not essentially dependent on it to breath properly, and I don't know if it's because of the sinus problems or because of the nasal spray. I'm using it too often, and although the relief is immeasurable, I don't like the idea of being completely dependent on a substance, and I especially dislike not knowing if it's simply the nasal spray that's causing the issues at this point, because it's never been this bad before.

It's 2pm and while I may not post this right away - I may just use it as a starting point for when I write later on, but I figured I'd get started writing, as I've got some time to relax. Yes, that's right, it's a Saturday afternoon and I'm not at work, in fact I'm on my couch with Kairi and Tidus and I'm watching TV and I just had a nice breakfast bagel and some soup. I'm cleaning and relaxing and it's wonderful.

Dealing with the coming down is the tricky part. I was doing okay, but things can change quickly.

I woke up around 7am this morning, as I worked at 9am, so it was the appropriate time to wake up... cool story right? Yeah, I like stating obvious facts for no reason other than an excuse to write words into an empty box. Fucking fantastic. I had breakfast, and got ready... I sent a text to Julie randomly, just saying that I didn't want to go outside or go to work, and she called me back and offered me a ride, as she was just leaving to go in to work herself, so I gladly accepted, and left shortly after.

I feel like I'm re-living the same day, over and over again. I feel like every week is the same, I say the same things to myself, I complain about the same things, it just repeats and I never learn.

Just so everyone knows, there is a plastic bag stuck in the tree in front of my window and it always catches my eye and is very distracting. Thanks.

I've been overwhelmed with emotion lately, and it's a bit... well... overwhelming. I've been feeling such a mix of things, and not only am I feeling all these emotions, but I'm having an ass load of physical side-effects of being off of my pills: vertigo, dizzyness, sleeplessness, headache, lack of energy, restlessness and so on. I've felt so worthless and useless and lazy lately... like everyone would be better off if I were to just leave and never show my face again. I do nothing for anyone, and I'm too weak, as it's been proven and proven again, and it's quite depressing if I let it get to me, which lately I have. Good things are happening to Emily, and she's happy and accomplishing things, and here I am filing for EI, trying to get a job, trying to deal with these withdrawl symptoms, AND trying to get my psychilogical self in check, and it's just way too much for me to take. If I let it all get to me at once, it seriously feels like my heads going to explode... and I'm lost as to what to do to get away from that feeling, to relax, or to feel good about myself, because no matter which way you look at it, I'm just a miserable, depressed failure.