Excessive

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary, crazy that's it's been nine years now, it really doesn't feel that way.

Pretty normal day today, but I did wake up with a migraine. Most likely due to tasting wine - generally an issue with inexpensive wines, typically higher sugar content, tends to lead to migraines even without drinking too much. I took a migraine pill after breakfast and it cleared up before lunch.

I think it's safe to say that today was a stressful day.

It's the night before my wedding, if you didn't know, which you probably didn't, because I haven't been writing, and you're probably reading this in the future at some point, and it's probably just me reading, so really I'm just talking to myself.

A few select lyrics from Bright Eyes' A Song To Pass The Time:

...

Don't stay so far away from me.
This weather has me wanting love more tangible.
Something I can hold cause it's getting cold.

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Today was terrible.

There was just this perfect combination of crap that came together to form the ultimate terrible day, and oh yes, please, let me inform you.

Start off with the negative or the positive? It's a tough choice; I usually start out with the negative to just get it out of the way, so might as well stick to that habit.

This week has been a pretty rough week as far as feeling good goes. I'm not even sure what it is specifically, but I feel very tired all the time, very lazy and lethargic, like I could go to sleep at any time, and that I don't care about anything, and I have no energy to do anything, it's weird, and I honestly hope it goes away. I always seem to fall into this rut and then snap out of it eventually and I end up cleaning something huge or something like that. I will be doing the dishes today, as soon as I finish writing this, and I plan on doing the litter and vacuuming, but beyond that all I really want to do is lay in bed. Perhaps it's the fact that I have no tv to look forward to, no filler tv (like Friends) to watch, so I'm really not left with much to do.

Ally is keeping busy today, and I should be taking a page from her book! HAH! That sounds dirty... She's cleaning and organizing and rearranging, and being energetic and accomplishing things, I'm proud! But it makes me feel even more lazy haha.

I doubt the weather helps much... it's cool and dark, where it looks like it's going to rain but never does. It's really difficult to get up enough energy to do anything when it's not bright and sunny outside. Hopefully it'll storm and it'll relax me so I don't feel so nervous all the time, and then it becomes sunny and I'll want to do lots of things and clean and organize.

There's this dude in my apartment building that had previously gone door to door to try and sell some membership to a different hydro provider, and the first time he came, he came in to talk to me about it or whatever and noticed I had a lot of games, so we started talking about games and stuff, and he said that we should get together sometime to play stuff (yeah...). It was pretty cool to know that there was at least one relatively cool person living in this dump. He came back a month later to follow up on that hydro crap and we talked for like five minutes and that was that.

I know that I haven't been writing lately... and it's because I'm caught in a dead zone between being comfortable and relaxed, and depression. I'm not depressed, but I'm so close to being there, that I can't do anything else but just feel numb; if that makes any sense.

I went to write in my green book (my offline journal) and I couldn't find a pen... just a whole ton of unsharpened pencils and I don't even have a pencil sharpener. Then, I finally found a barely useable pencil, sat down in my bath and opened up my book to the last entry. It freaked me out because I don't have any memory of writing the last entry. It doesn't even look like my hand writing. I went on about what emily did to me, and how it was so cold-hearted and sorta mumbled on about things that didn't make much sense, and then I signed the end of the entry by writing 'dead soon' and then drew some symbol I've never seen before. The thing is, I think I wrote that entry that night I accidentally attempted suicide; the day I took 20 perscription sleeping aids and drank a pitcher of beer. I guess that would explain why I wouldn't remember but it was still really freaky to read the entry...