Excessive

I've been listening to Hikaru Utada a lot lately and I just want to announce that she's now my official make believe girlfriend. Here are two pictures; make sure you click the link under the first picture to see the big other picture.

Today was horrible.

I wrote a lot today... in fact most of my waking moments were spent writing... nothing interesting, but it kinda helped stop me from freaking out. I stayed on MySpace for the whole afternoon updating my profile with content, movies, music, interests and so on... instead of just having a small thingy, I had paragraphs of descriptions. I also talked to Ally for a bit, which helped me remember what got me here, and who I was. I get lost sometimes... I forget who I am, where I am or what I'm doing. I feel like I've gone completely bat-shit insane. I've lost sight of everything, and I have very little patients for anything anymore, especially people... I just don't want to put up with bullshit, or being used or ignorance. I have no one to talk to or open up to without fear of... something. What word would I put there? See... old me would have had that filled and probably another sentance just describing the word used, but now... I just come up blank.

I'm getting sick of how ignorant everyone around me seems to be. I'm sick of having to explain things, of having to argue with stupidity. People talk about shit they know nothing about, and act as if they are the end all resource for knowledge about everything! When I argue, I do it using facts and things I've read, and for some reason I've read a lot. I constantly browse wikipedia.org for hours on end, reading about everything from drugs to music to video games. I'm just sick of having to put up with stupidity. Also, elitists. fuck you guys. Wake up.. you're a giant problem with this world. ooh, one sec.. gotta poop.

i posted this because my entry was kinda depressing

I've been wanting to write for quite awhile now. I know that I've written, but not the way I've wanted to, or want to I should say. I can't seem to form words that represent my thoughts accuratly enough to publish them on this widely read medium. As I sit here with my glass of almost room tempurature Coke and a bowl of Cheesies, I wonder why I can't feel accomplished, content or relaxed. I often find myself lost in my own torment, creating barriers for myself, creating problems where there aren't any, or shouldn't be any. Now I want to get this next part right because it's very important to me to accuratley communicate exactly what it's like. There are days when my spirit feels lighter than air, where the very act of cleaning a room brings me such joy and accomplishment; where I feel so comfortable that I just sit in the middle of the floor and smile and I'm happy - no - fucking happy. Those days, I enjoy my meals... I enjoy cooking them and eating them, I even enjoying doing the dishes afterwards and putting them away so that the counter appears clean and spotless. On those days I could sit down in front of the TV with a little bit of junk food and watch a movie or play a game and feel so secure and relaxed that it's quite close to what heaven would be, if heaven were a real place (let's not get carried away here). Why are those days so fucking few and far between? Why the fuck am I not entitled to feel that most of the time? Why do those times last for a day or two, and then just rip away from me without warning.

I took double the dosage of both my medications tonight, out of stupidy I'd assume, I'm not really sure myself. I know it's going to sedate me so bad tomorrow, that it's going to be a challenge to get up and do anything at all. I'm only writing this entry because I've made to m any 'picture only' posts lately, and I felt like you guys deserved a few paragraphs.

Does anyone actually read subject lines of emails, news posts, livejournal entries or website updates? I write one everytime, but I always doubt that people will take notice, so usually they make no sense at all.