Excessive

This is Jayla, my favorite this season of America's Next Top Model...

I've been having these overpowering feelings of dread or constant worry lately, that won't go away, and seem to cover many things in my life, not just one specific area. What I mean by that is that I'm not worrying about one specific thing in my life, but rather I'm feeling quite fearful about many things. For a change, these fears aren't causing panic attacks, or irrational behavior, so that leads me to believe that they are perhaps not blown out of proportion by whatever it is in my head that does the blowing (haha) and that they may be justified fears. My life is so insecure right now... it's all up in the air and I have no security, no definitive proof that things will work out, or that I will be okay; things seem to change from week to week, going from good, to bad, to great, to horrible, to who knows what's coming next. I've been trying very hard to stay happy and cheerful, even when faced with opposition; I try not to get upset or angry no matter how tempting it would be to be spiteful or hurtful. Things just sometimes, and most recently, feel hopeless, somewhat like no matter how hard I try, nothing turns out as good as I had tried to make it, with many aspects, like my freakin’ muffins. The fact that people around me have been moody themselves has only clashed with my attempts to become calm and relaxed, and usually egg me on to become angry or upset. Oh well, things will be better right? I suppose my strong fear of people abandoning me has been overtaking my hopefulness lately, with constant fear that I'll be alone with no hope without warning, it's very hard to keep hope alive.

I had half an entry written up, an entire retelling of Saturday night and what happened, how they managed to pull off on of their best shows... the details.. everything, but my comptuer froze and I lost it all... so fuck that shit. I'm in a bad enough mood as it is to sit here again and write out the same shit.

The Electrocult show last night was really weird, but the boys put on an awesome performance, and especially Kurt was really impressive. The atmosphere (because of the venue) was really odd... but watching them play was enjoyable, even though Vanessa and Brittanny never showed up. I'll perhaps go into more detail about not only the show, but the whole day later on, but right now I've got a beast of a migrane that oxycontin isn't even numbing. I really wish I had someone to hug me :(

Today Brittany and I played Soul Calibur 2...

..that is all..

this is Taki

It sucks becuase the last one awake each night... my MSN list is vacant or people are set on away, there are no updates on livejournals, Nick is asleep on the couch, Vanessa is sleeping so I can't call her, and my kitties are all asleep in warm places like on coats, in comforters and other various locations. It sucks because I'm in the mood to sociallize... in the mood to talk, to bring things up, to figure things out. I'm just in a mood to write, and not just an entry, but write things, like MSN messeges, and replies to comments on LJ, and just things like that. Oh well, I'll have to wait tomorow for the random updates that will be unleashed from me without mercy.

I've become more and more picky as to what exact mood I'm required to be in before I can actually make myself sit down and write one of these damned entries. From a lot of experiementing, it seems I write the best on Simply Sleep... plain and simple, words come together much naturally when I'm on those... and I never seem to have an ending to my thoughts. Right now I'm struggling with each word as they're being written, and that's no way to write anything. Right now I'm on three immovane, so I'm starting to get pretty groggy... but two wasn't cutting it, so yeah.. the three are somewhat interfering with my creative juices.

Here some some links... some links you should click on daily, if not hourly. Listen, watch and view everything possible. Links go in order of awesomeness.