Excessive

I won't write much because this is just meant as an update as to what I look like. The first picture there is me without my hair styled at all... in fact I took the picture never ever intending to post it, but I mean... the others were so boring I had to throw something in. The others are after I got up this morning, and I straightened it.

Today I woke up really early for me: 9:30am. Both my alarm went off, and Vanessa called me to wake me up. The majority of the morning was spent getting ready to go out, and waiting for Vanessa to get here. We left for the doctors appointment on the bus at 11:10am.

The smallest things set me off and bring me down, to a point where I don't feel energectic, empathetic and just generally turn completely apathetic about most everything. Things that set me off can be tone of voice, subject matter, random things said to me, pretty much random things I couldn't really predict (of course, there are obvious things that set me off as well). It sucks because sometimes I'm in a great mood and it's just ripped away from me and it's always so difficult to get it back, that it kinda makes me resent the fact it was taken so easily.

First of all I'd just like to quickly complain about the continued shittyness that is MSN Messenger, and how it keeps getting shittier and shittier as the versions are released. Not only is it now horribly slow, a resource hog, and bogged down with tons of features no one even knows are there, let alone uses, but now it likes to constantly sign me out at random times, for no reason at all. Sometimes it'd be right in the middle of me typing to someone, so all I hear is a nice long string of beeps as it won't let me type because it signed me out, but since the messenger is so slow and resource intensive, the screen isn't updated with the fact it's signed out until after I've written the paragraph and lost it forever. It's such a peice of shit now, and kind of sad that's the best instant messenger around... oh well, perhaps the random signing out thing is a network problem on their side and it'll be fixed... it's only one of many problems, but it's probably the most annoying and noticeable. So.. basically the point of this paragraph was a quick FUCK MSN MESSENGER IN ITS SOFTWARE ASS.

I think I just need a reminder... a reminder as to why I'm fighting each day to see the next, why I'm putting up with how I feel, and why I would suffer so much to gain very little. I think I just need a nice reminder to let me know what it is I'm fighting so hard for.

I've been putting off writing for some reason... it's an odd choice though, as there are numerous thoughts floating around my head that I've easily put into sentences and paragraphs in my head (which of course is much different than writing them out) so I could, if I had the attention span and patients, write a long entry about a lot of stuff, yet I sit here and I really don't want to.

I am a fucking wreck, a god damn fucking mess. I have no idea what's going on with me but it's all gone to hell. I've lost all that was going right in my mind, and I know that no matter what I write here, or what I tell those that care for me, no one would ever understand exactly what I mean.

I can start this off withing saying, "this sucks!" I have to get up early tomorrow... around 8:30am or so, because I'm going to Toronto with Steve to see the body works exibit, and we're leaving at 10am... and here it is 4am with two sleeping pills in me... I didn't think about it until five minutes ago; I never considered that I should probably go to sleep to be rested for tomorrow, I just treated it like a normal night.