Excessive

its me! really!

Click this mother fucking link!
sorry for swearing mom, mark told me too, so I did. god dammit mark.

As I shift from one end to the other, I'm always quite confused about a number of things, like why, for three or four days, was I happy. What was it that I did differently? What was it that triggered it (other than chemicals), and is it something that I can consistently recreate. I think when I'm depressed (not to be confused as the reason I get depressed) I lose sight of the bigger picture... it creates a backlash in my life, where I stop my medications because I don't think they're making an immediate change in my life, but when I'm happy (ie. manic) my eyes are much more open and I can see that if I take my meds now, it'll take time but eventually it may cause me to have longer periods of happiness, or at least be calm and maybe relaxed for longer than two or three days. It just cycles over and over again, I take my meds, I become numb and tired as hell for a week or two, feel pretty happy for a day or two, and then suddenly stop my medication and hate life. I think along with the things I've already discussed, money is a pretty big contributor to my moods. When I don't have to borrow money, or my rent is paid off, or my bills aren't bugging me, I feel much more calm and relaxed, which allows me to feel better about myself, and maybe figure a few things out, but now, as with most often, I'm short rent, having to borrow money from family and friends, which makes me feel like my chest is going to cave in. The strangest things bring my mood down and make me want to tear flesh off my body with my finger nails... my room, for the last month, has smelled like a big thing of kitty litter, and I can't figure out why. My room was really messy at one point, and the kitty litter was dirty, and I'm pretty sure Kairi went the bathroom in my room once, but I cleaned that up, and when I cleaned it up, I made my room spotless; I cleaned everything but I still sit at my computer and smell kitty litter. It fucking drives me insane. I'm going to move every piece of furniture in there and mop, and clean the walls and just go nuts, because I need it to smell nice or I'm never going to be fucking happy! I'm glad that that makes no sense, because it makes sense to me and that's all that matters.

Yeah... tonight is the kinda night where I want to update because I have a shit load of things on my mind, but I don't feel like writing at all, so it feels forced and chances are the entry will be short, poorl written and... umm.. some other word, probably lacking substance.

Yesterday I was consistenly tired throughout the entire day, with my eyelids never really stopping the heavyness. I felt pretty drained, but about three quarters of the way through the work day, I decided not to take my olanzapine (the sleepy ones) so that I could go out with Mark and Michelle. Good reason to stop medication right? yeeeaahhh... *looks around*

Last night was screwed up... so screwed up. All the memories of last night are all molded together and out of order and I'm not sure which are real and which are made up. Michelle came over and had a shower, and I ordered pizza... we watched City of Angels, but at the start of the film, I took both my pills, and that's where things start to go blurry. I fell asleep near the last bit of the movie, and I don't remember falling asleep... I was actually shocked when I woke up because... as far as I knew, I wasn't sleeping. Michelle was crying when I woke up (because City of Angels rocks) and I got up and went to the bathroom. While in there, my heart started beating really fast (it sometimes does that, but then goes back to normal) but it kept going faster and faster, and I could feel my chest pounding, and I actually thought I was having a heart attack or something, and then darkness snuck in around my eyes and I blacked out.

I woke up all nervous today. I hadn't in a while really, and god damn that feeling is so.. unique and powerful.. it really hurts. I wake up and look at the clock and it hits me, and I stay in bed as long as possible because I feel safe; I won't even get up to have breakfast or a drink or anything. I leave the house at 11:20 or so, and I get out of bed at 11:17. Make sense? Nah. I dunno what's wrong with me... but I know I have meds for it and I should really be taking them... I really need to think about my life and what the hell I'm doing. Why do I randomly stop my meds cold turkey? cause I think they aren't doing anything? well, I get to a place in my life like this where they obviously were doing something...