Excessive

I'm stressed out about wanting a new laptop. For numerous reasons, I want a new laptop. This thing broke on the very first day of school back when it was brand new... the FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL and the screen wouldn't turn on. Now the god damn 'e' sometimes double inputs so e's randomly appear through-out words. It overheats, the fan never stops running, the case is literally broken and the heatsink is exposed. But the one fact that is most likely causing my anxiety - it technically still works, so I feel wrong, guilty, stupid for buying a new one. If it broke, and I had no choice, then it would be easy, to continue in school I would need to buy a laptop and it would be a no brainer, but since it's still technically an optional expense, I can't quite convince myself it's necessary.

So here I am sitting in the living room in front of the TV at the end of my three-day-off mini-holday, a couple days away from my full fledged week long holiday before school starts again. How am I feeling? That's a good question, I'm glad you asked brain. Well, I feel pulled in many directions... I feel hyper and indecisive, too many things I want to do, but also feel like I'm in a somewhat weird place.

It's a warm and comfortable Saturday morning. My Mom is awake and in the kitchen, and I know that she is making a special breakfast for us to share. Sometimes, on special weekends, usually in the winter, we would wake up early and she would make cream of wheat and we'd eat it for breakfast together. I'd sprinkle brown sugar over the top and then cover it in a thin layer of milk, melting the sugar and making the warm cereal cooler, and smooth. I would sneak on extra sugar when my Mom wasn't looking, even though I probably didn't need to sneak it. It was a comfort, and something special. It was family and what I wish to reproduce for my family... my child, when I'm older. Not that exact thing, but that feeling, those memories and warmth and that something special.

I opened today and it left me feeling over-tired and just empty. I had dinner, made coffee, drank about half of it and somehow ended up in my bed, and slept - deeply - until like 9pm. I remember waking up and hearing Mythbusters playing on a loop in the living room but being too out of it, to into sleep, to do anything about it. It was a terrible feeling truth be told, and the whole 'too tired to do anything ever' feeling really gets me down.

Alright so I haven't been writing lately and awhile ago it was because I was feeling severely depressed and upset and my routine was off and I felt weird and writing wasn't on my mind. Alternatively and more recently, I've been too busy being happy and reading, playing Mass Effect and working in the garden and watching movies and writing slips from my mind, but I know that that's bad. I know that losing my routine is dangerous, and I already feel regret and anger over missing writing this month, so I need to change that.

Failing at the whole writing thing... the whole routine thing. Oops.

I'm tired and want to read, so I think I'll make this a short entry, and write about today tomorrow, which I may or may not actually do.

Today was a special day, a date day, a day that Bekki and I planned and dedicated to spending together, to spending money and to having a good time. We went for lunch, went to Chapters and bought a bunch of books, went to see the Hunger Games, and then had an amazing dinner at Michaels at the Thames.

Today was a bad day thanks to work. It was busy, the type of day I just can't stand at work, and it gave me a crippling headache that just fucked my entire afternoon and evening up, and only now is the pain reduced to the point of functioning.

I woke up feeling dead today, not like.. physically, but mentally. Yeah okay, that was a terrible way to open this but I'm not going to backspace it.. nope, gonna keep writing.

Today has been a struggle for me, I've tried and failed to feel good until the very end of the day. I suppose that's better than nothing, but I would say the day was essentially ruined. It's as it usually is, nothing specific was wrong, I was simply hyper-sensitive and easily found my way into a dark place where I felt like... death, like... destruction and sorrow and pain and sadness and it was all I could do to not scream or punch something. I tried really hard to push passed it, to get back to normal but I didn't do that good of a job.