Excessive

Work is stressful, money is stressful, moving is stressful. I am stressed out, to say the least.

Bekki and I applied to a townhouse rental last night, and generally speaking it made that half of the day very stressful. Unexpected costs, spur of the moment choices, it was a lot to take in such a short period of time. I feel as though I've personally calmed down a bit and I feel okay about it all now... I am a bit scared, but I feel as though I'd be scared regardless of anything. I've run the numbers many times, I've made complex budget spreadsheets, and we make more than enough money to live at this new place, and live exactly as we are now (as far as food, going out for fun, buying books or seeing movies, etc). While I'm in school, it will be a bit tighter, but I mean, it's just... whatever, you just make it work, you just do what you gotta do.

I ruined today, and I feel great regret for that. I didn't do anything on my list of things I wanted to do, I didn't eat lunch because I lost myself in my head, I got a headache, I can't stop worrying about random things.

I worked for fourteen hours yesterday, and I don't think it needs much more talking about than that. I started at 6am and worked until 8pm, and I was pretty ready to go home at that point. The strange or scary part is that I don't really remember going home, or anything about being at home. I was pretty out of it, sore, super tired, super undernourished. I had agreed to work the shift ahead of time, so it wasn't out of nowhere or anything, but it still hit me like a brick wall, and was quite a challenge.

I woke up this morning with a pretty bad headache... It was interesting because after the fact, I looked at the clock and realized that I woke up most likely due to habit, because five days a week I wake up at 5:05am, go to the kitchen and make coffee and toast, and drink my coffee between 5:20 and 5:40, and as I mentioned, I'm cutting out coffee for a month or two, so I believe the headache was due to my body expecting a large dose of caffeine, and also because I'm so used to waking up. So I wake up, I stumble to the bathroom and take some Tylenol, and try to go back to sleep, but I'm starving and in a lot of discomfort, so I decided to just get up and eat some breakfast, do my normal stuff, because I know that after I eat and wake up a tiny bit, after about an hour my eye lids will get heavy, my body will lose those night-time aches, and I could comfortably slide into bed again and fall back asleep.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly why I haven't been writing as much lately, and I believe there is a trend where as my happiness and general comfort goes up, my writing goes down, and this is because I used to use writing as a coping mechanism (I think) and I would do it to stave off loneliness, to give me something to do, to have a routine I stick to, to write to an imaginary audience which made me feel less alone.

No headache tonight, but I am too tired to write anything meaningful.

Worked in the morning from 6 to 2, then went shopping a bunch... first to Loblaws, then had dinner (chicken breast, white wine cream sauce, mashed) and then went to various Canadian Tire's and Best Buy/Futureshop, trying to find folding chairs and Groundhog Day. We eventually only got two of the chairs instead of three, because they were sold out, and couldn't find the movie.

I wrote less in September than I had in any month in the last 26 months. I need to fix this.

Oh and... migraine. Ugh.