Excessive

Yeah, so it's been awhile since I've written, and I can only blame myself. I've been having a difficult time, as usual, and have been distracted. On a positive note, I've been distracted with at least attempting to come up with strategies to manage my issues... fuck I hate that word. Um, strategies to manage my thoughts and behaviors. I kind of got fed up with not being able to deal with insane manic behavior, uncontrollable insane thoughts, not being able to enjoy my time off, racing heart even when nothing much is happening, and just... I just got so upset, and fed up with my inability to cope with life that I bought a couple books. One is a workbook for Bipolar II, which involves reading about different strategies and methods for dealing with specific obstacles, and then has worksheets which you fill out, come up with answers and apply it to your own life. It's been helpful, when I'm in the right mood, which is kind of a bad sign, because I need it to help when I'm in the worst of moods, when I need it the most. The other book is part biography, and part self-help book, and it's less relatable.

No more drugs, no more nasal spray, I don't think they're helping in the long term, even though they help a lot in the immediate. I'm not sure if I've ever really wrote about my sinus issues, but I should've. It plagues me, and is perhaps the single most troubling and uncomfortable thing that I have to deal with. Most, if not at all times of the day, my sinuses... close. I can't breath through my nose at all, and it can get so bad, so much pressure, that it starts to feel as if I'm choking. A while ago I started to use nasal spray, as it cleared the airways and stopped the sinus 'swelling' (if that's what it is), however, I'm not essentially dependent on it to breath properly, and I don't know if it's because of the sinus problems or because of the nasal spray. I'm using it too often, and although the relief is immeasurable, I don't like the idea of being completely dependent on a substance, and I especially dislike not knowing if it's simply the nasal spray that's causing the issues at this point, because it's never been this bad before.

Feeling things.

Someone said something about blogging... about a diary, about a journal, about writing things down, that made me think to write. It made sense to me, and reminded me of feelings I used to get when I was a good writer. He said that writing things down was like a decompression. It was a way to deposit all of your shit, so that you could get it all out, and then be empty, to finally relax, to be done with it. It does this sometime, and I remember that, I think that's why I'm writing right now, and why I keep writing and why I enjoy it.

I drank more than I wanted to last night. It was the staff party, and I almost didn't want to go, and wasn't in the greatest mood. We went with the plan of only spending the $20 we got back from getting in (ticket refund) and that would be that. I wanted to leave early, and you know, just... be normal. I was super nervous going, and didn't feel good, the entire thing felt wrong.

You are not better than all of them. You are pathetic. You have no value. You are ugly. You are of no worth, and should never leave the home. You have nothing to offer anyone, and it would be best if you didn't ever open your mouth. You are pathetic and useless.