Excessive

So I didn't really leave the house today, and while in theory that sounds amazing, in practice it leaves me feeling weak, under-active and usually gives me a headache, which happened. Yes, I got a wonderful headache today; I feel energetic and like a failure. I feel like I had a productively lazy day, and I guess I'm torn whether or not I'm happy with what I've done.

I talk to myself in my head, too much. I constantly have a dialogue going through my head, a current of words and thoughts... it's no wonder I find writing so easy, or so... relieving, because it lets some of those thoughts out. I walk around my apartment writing in my head as if I were sitting at the computer. That's weird right? Maybe it's weird, but I guess it's just how my brain works sometimes, and it helps me or is responsible for my ability to write, because I'm constantly forming sentences in my head, and it just spills out into the keyboard as I sit and stare at the screen. It does drive me crazy sometimes though, and I think writing is the best way to get it out and make myself feel a bit better.

I've got all 7am to 3pm shifts this week, the shift that was MY shift back in the day... well, I suppose I've been there so long now that there are many days to look back on, but before school I was the 7-3 guy, who did everything for everyone and it still wasn't enough. Least now, things are a bit more separated and organized...

I think I'm really starting to dislike sitting here and staring at this screen, staring at this edit box and coming up blank, coming up completely uninspired, completely empty of any writing. It's been a problem, or is a problem, and will most likely continue to be.

I feel as though I can't remember the last time things were normal - normal for me I mean. That's not to say things aren't good, things are good for the most part, but a part of me does miss the rigid routine and structure.

I am terrible.

There is something wrong with me.

such a source of loss and pain
where you think only of your gain

I had to wake up extra early this morning, as I worked a 7am to 3pm shift, a shift that I used to work every day, Monday to Friday, but it's been awhile, a long while actually, since I've had to. To get there for 7am, I have to wake up around 5:15am, and catch the bus. I got up, had coffee, scrambled eggs and toast (not sure where that energy came from... well... maybe I do) and listened to music quietly as I ate breakfast and got ready for work. I caught the bus, and after a terribly stinky trip to work, I arrived at the wonderful Windermere Manor.

It's early and this isn't a real entry.

I'm working 7 to 3 today, which would be why I'm awake at 5am... I see a nap happening after work.

I have a headache. I'm tired. I feel weird, and I feel darkness moving in to my mind. I feel restless and antsy, but tired and exhausted. I want to be productive and creative, I want to play games and watch movies, I want to be social and embrace people, but I want to sleep, and brood and complain and over analyze and write out everything I'm thinking.

Work was pretty easy today, well... laid back, organized, you know... kind of the normal recently, with our banquet team really coming together.. myself, Jon and Allen. It was just Allen and I today for continental, brunch and then some reception fare.