Excessive

Today was a fairly relaxing day of work, with no problems, no stress, and everything going quickly and smoothly. You know what that leads too... a boring entry!

I am nothing. I am nothing, to anybody. Yes, I know... good friend, I can make others happy, blah blah blah. I know that.

I suppose before I get too into this, I should start at the beginning.

You think you know me? Anything about me? at all?

I'm tired. I feel as though I've been on a non-stop... something. Always going, never resting; Never feeling at rest. Drinking, being around people... to some this may seem normal, or even desired, but it's not normal to me, for me, it's not normal.

Oh hey, you're cool if I scare you away, so you'll never want to be around me right?

How did I end up back here already? I'm doing this to myself, no? I had things to say... well, I have things to say. I have scenario's I'd like to explain, to write scripts for, of all the unique and different ways I could see myself getting hurt in the future. Different ways to cause my heart to sink and to feel hopeless, different ways to prove that people don't actually care, that we're not in this together, that you don't know me.

Need to get out of this fucking head before it breaks me again.

How am I feeling... it's an interesting question. I'm feeling strange, coming down for a night of drinking. I feel tired, and sore, and off. I dislike the feeling of vulnerability, the feeling of opening yourself up to be laughed at, or criticized, or simply putting yourself in a position to feel like shit at some point in the future. I feel like I want to retreat, to run and hide somewhere safe, to feel safe... secure and warm. I feel worried and nervous, a guest in my own home, a visitor in my body, what am I doing here? Where did my safety go?

She's like a poison.

So I worked yesterday until 4pm... you know, boring slow day, went home a bit early, whatever, normal day for this time of the year. I started walking to the bus stop, just getting to the bottom of the hill, when a car pulled up and it was Sherry with two servers, and asked me if I wanted a ride, so I said sure! I do that sometimes, regardless of how something makes me feel, I push myself to simply say yes to every question... yeah, I lived my life like that for like three years, got into drugs, alchohol, met tons of new friends, and it didn't help me grow as a person at all, but that's a whole other story.

Yesterday was one of the weirdest, most spontaneous day I've had in forever. I'll write about it tonight maybe!

I was sitting in my computer chair, my mind shifting through things, too quickly to really tell what it was, what it is... I was tapping my foot... my knee so fast that the vibrations were causing my leg to feel strange. I felt hot, agitated... my mind was a swirl and I can feel all the things in my mind shifting into place, shifting into place to come crashing down on me. It's the shifting that kills me, the shifting that tries to kill me. I can't take the ups and downs, I can't take the sheer drops and hitting the bottom; being raised up high, just to fall again.