Excessive

What do you do when you can't stop doing something that you know is making you feel crazy?

All day, I program. More or less all day. I take breaks to do chores, so I feel a little more sane, but I feel the draw to just go back to programming, and my mind is racing and my leg is tapping so fast, and I just can't stop. I don't want to stop, but I know it's causing me to feel this way. To feel crazy, to feel like my mind is so fast that I can't even process what I'm thinking.

I didn't quite get through the night safely this time. I woke up at 2am this morning with a sinus headache, and it was my own fault. I didn't take a sleeping pill last night, and I was laying down trying to sleep but I couldn't breath through my nose and it was so difficult to get comfortable, out of frustration and stupidity, I got up and used my nasal spray, convinced that the headaches are a coincedence and I won't get one. It was 2am when I woke up with a splitting headache, unable to get back to sleep or be alive. I think I fell back asleep for a bit, but around 4:30 or 5am, I got up and had breakfast, watched an episode of DS9 and eventually laid back down. I was so tired, and the breakfast helped me feel a bit more comfortable even though the stabbing pain behind my right eye was fairly intense. I managed to fall back asleep until around 8:30am, but I'm so exausted and tired. I ended up taking a migraine pill, and it actually did take away the headache (mostly) but I still feel unimaginably tired, and just like garbage.

I surprisingly did not wake up with a headache this morning, something that doesn't happen as often as I'd like. Lately I've been waking up with very intense sinus headaches (at least I think it's sinus headaches, how would i know?). I'm sure it's related to a nasal spray I've been using for the last few months, but it's always hard to tell, and difficult to know if I should stop using it.

I have sharpe pains stabbing through my left eye; up the back of my skull, around my left temple, and straight back behind my eye. It feels like there is a lot of pressure behind it and I just long for relief. I press on my temples, I push on my eye and I get instants of relief and then it's back. I'm sure sleep will be the only cure now.

I spent the majority of the day refactoring old code and I couldn't stop. My mind was racing, so fast, I couldn't think straight. I tried to relax, I tried to play a game, but whatever I did, I felt crazy. I felt like I could rip my skin off and scream and go nuts and there was just so much overwhelming racing thoughts that I couldn't do anything. I watched Star Trek TNG almost the whole day and refactored old code while I did it, as working with code occupies my mind and helps me from going crazy.

I started the day feeling very lazy, feeling like I may not accomplish much. It never feels good to go through a day like that, but sometimes it can't be avoided. Luckily, today I avoid it.

It's Saturday afternoon, and I just cut my hair, trimmed my beard and had a shower to wash it all away. Now I'm sitting, watching Star Trek: TNG. The episode Frame of Mind from Season 6. I've always enjoyed this episode, as psychological thrillers almost always appeal to me and this episode is quite well done.

The year of 2015 flew by in a blur, barely being able to determine if events happened in 2015, or earlier, it's hard to keep track of what to even write about. While I will attempt to summarize the year, I'm not as good at this as I used to be, so we'll see how it goes.

Happy New Year!

Alright so it's 2016 now and I've got some of the same resolutions as always... write more. When don't have say I want to try this? It's always so difficult though. I'm pretty sure I've completely forgotten what it feels like to write, how to form sentences and even how to come up with what to talk about.