Excessive

I've put off writing for a little while because of two things, one being time - I've felt busy, or at least I haven't really been sitting around where writing was an option, and two - I've been in such a dark place, and felt so anxious that I had this deep, dark desire to not be awake, and that gets in the way of writing.

So shitty and sad and useless and retarded and stupid.

Yesterday I saw City and Colour with my Mom and Sister, and it was pretty fun. Grey Kingdom opened and were great as well, and Dallas was fun and played a long set. I took a few pictures and posted them on facebook, which can be viewed by clicking this link.

My Strange Obsession is a weird and fucked up show, that makes me uncomfortable and I'm not sure why I'm watching it. Well, truthfully I recorded a bunch of them, as I had never watched it before but was interested, so I have like five or six to watch, but after two or three, it's pretty brutal, I want to stop but it's on and can't seem to. I literally feel uncomfortable watching it, it makes me anxious.

Today was a day filled with attention deficit, an inability to sit and do any one activity for any significant amount of time. I tried doing chores, I tried reading, I tried playing games, I tried watching TV and I tried programming, and I didn't finish any of them or spend any meaningful amount of time doing any. It was frustrating, and left me feeling completely insane and uncomfortable.

I don't want to be writing, I don't want to be awake, and I don't want to feel so shitty. Also, having an 'e' key that doesn't sometimes automatically repeat itself would be great too, but we can't always get what we want.

Today was tiring, physically exhausting, and I even managed to hurt my leg and be a whiny bitch about it. Fun stuff right?

I woke up early again this morning, on my own without an alarm, at around 7:30am, and felt awake, or awake enough to decide to get out of bed right away. I went and started getting breakfast ready, some home made home fries, bacon, scrambled eggs, toast and even some cinnamon toast for a sort of breakfast dessert. I had it all ready by about 8:30am, and I pulled Bekki out of bed by her feet and forced her to eat breakfast (it was our agreement).

I worked at 6am this morning. I woke up at 5:50am. Do you see the problem here? Yes, that's right, I woke up when I should've been starting work, and I said - out loud- "You've got to be kidding me". It was hard to believe, especially considering I had gone to sleep relatively early compared to when I normally sleep. Bed by 11pm, I would usually have no problem waking up, and I almost always set my phone's alarm on nights where I need to wake up at ungodly hours, but this night... I forgot, or didn't think it necessary... whichever.

I have the burning desire to have a book tracking/book library website created and up and running already, I really want it, I get excited by the idea and yet the idea of actually sitting down to create it, or the effort it would take to create a nice layout for it, discourages me and stops me from even starting. On top of that, I have the money project still going and I actually have somewhat of a time limit on that, well... an optimal time goal I guess, where having it completed, or at least certain features completed, would make life easier and more structured and controlled and nice and safe and warm. It's hard to find motivation to do any of it really, and I'm just not in the mood at all, not even the slightest, to sit and do it, but today I forced myself and got a little bit done. Instead of it getting my juices flowing and getting into the groove, I was left feeling as unmotivated and uninterested in the project as I was this last week or two.

I'm tired and I suppose I should be; I woke up early this morning to go to work and here it is 12:07am and I'm just starting my night time routine. Ah well, I seem to fight sleep no matter what, nine out of ten times I will choose staying awake over going to sleep, as both generally leave me feeling tired. I am tired though, and things like... writing and reading for example, feel as though I need to struggle and really concentrate to do it, and it's not exactly pleasurable.