Excessive

Ah, what to write about... I suppose the pressure and stress I've been feeling today had let up slightly, this morning I woke up and went to school... I didn't feel as tired, nor as groggy. I felt a bit lighter to be honest, magically awake inside for a few hours at least. I couple positive things happened during my time at school that helped me feel a bit better, including an email from a professor letting me know he may mark a project worth 13% of my final mark that had been ignored up until that point due to a faulty dropbox and an ignorant professor. An email I sent in September was replied to finally months later, so I guess it's better than never, right? What this means for me however, is that there is less pressure on me to get a super good mark on this next project, as before I was going into it with a zero on the first project which meant in order to get a passing mark in the class I had to do very well on both this upcoming project and the final exam, and if I get a decent grade on this first project, it makes it so I don't have to get quite as high a mark, so... less pressure.

First Snow of 2011 is today, November 30th.

Is it weird that I feel much more comfortable and okay when I'm super depressed? Is it weird that I just can't wait to get back to that dark and sad place? I can't stand feeling like this, feeling... creative but unable to create. It's like torture. I still feel lonely but I don't feel that longing for romance. I just feel resentful, I feel angry almost. I hate people for leading me on. I hate people for making me feel loved only to take it away when it doesn't amuse them anymore.

I slept in today... how often have I started writing with those words? It seems I've been having quite some difficulty with the practice of sleep. I've been having difficulty becoming motivated to go to sleep, and I've been sleeping in much later than I would like, or waking up and being unbelievably tired, to the point of making poor decisions regardless of consequence.

Today turned out to be a bit of a struggle, which was surprising because the day was kind of set up to be relaxing, but my mind kind of screwed it up for me. My thoughts are racing, I feel desperate to create something but can't concentrate, I tried working on a few things and it only ended in complete frustration.

Is there anybody out there?

Creatively stagnant, I've been sitting here trying to program; trying to improve something I've been working on for awhile, and can't seem to do anything worthwhile. It's frustrating, but I can't let it upset me, because it's supposed to be something I do to relax, so what's the point if it just pisses me off?

I wasn't going to write at all tonight, seeing as it's so late, but I figured I'd just write up something quick before crawling into bed.

Today was a long day... longer than most. I woke up for school around 6:30am or 7am, didn't really have time for breakfast and caught a ride with Calen. We stopped in at the Tim Horton's drive thru, where I got two chocolate dip donuts and an extra large coffee. We arrived at school only a few minutes late and went to database class, where I submitted my case study.. and then worked on my communications assignment.

Today was a real day off, a day off. A day where I didn't go to school, and didn't go to work, and had time to do things. Things. Things. Things include laundry (that I had put off way too long), getting groceries that I had put off too long, doing school work (which I don't do often enough) and finally having some time to sit down and play Skyrim.

Woke and went to school today after fighting and fighting to stay awake. It was really difficult to stay awake this morning, and all I wanted to do, with every fiber of my existence, was crawl back in to bed and just sleep, but I got up, and I stayed up... mostly, and got a ride to school with Calen. We did stop at Tim's on the way though, which kind of helped, having food and coffee always helps.