Excessive

Yesterday was an interesting, dramatic day, filled with strange events, and non-Jordan like happenings.

It started with Bekki going to the dentist for an examination to find out what was causing pain in her mouth, and I was at school, and she went in and found out that her wisdom tooth had to come out, as it was the problem, and the dentist wanted to take care of it right away. So I get a text that she was getting her tooth out, and she had never had any dental work done really, so she was nervous. We were done class so I got Calen to drive me to the dentist so I could be with her, and help her in any way that I could. After she got her tooth out, and had paid and waited enough time to leave, we called a cab and while waiting for the cab, Bekki straight up passed out into my arms (because she said she felt weird), so I grabbed on to her and helped her to the ground as her weight shifted into my arms and, while under normal circumstances I would probably be terrified, I went into survival mode and just did what I had to do to take care of her, got her to open her eyes and talk to me, and I went and got help as soon as she was awake. We went inside and Bekki laid down for about twenty minutes or so until she felt a bit better, and we re-called a cab and got home safely.

It's easy to be self-centered, to exist inside your own head, feeling like you are the center of the universe... I think this is one of the worst causes of depression and anxiety (two opposite extremes of the same span imo), as the feeling of being absolutely important only increases the feelings of both issues. To feel in the middle of existence, isolated thoughts, it's really a bad recipe, a cycle that only gets worse. The reason I bring this up is because I was listening to Therapy Thursday on TMS, and it was about social anxiety and she brought up points about how it's just human nature to be self-centered, and even more so when you are uncomfortable... your mind kind of goes in survival mode and you only think about yourself, your self-preservation and how you can fix whatever is wrong with yourself, and you kind of forget everything else. My point? I don't have one. My point I suppose, is to be aware of that, to know that the best way I know of to fix depression and anxiety, is to remember that you aren't the center of the world, that other people have thoughts and feelings, that other people exist out there and need help and reassurance, that you can positively influence others and that you can be a part of something larger than yourself. These are important things to keep in mind, to stay sane, to stay healthy and to continue to be someone that others want to be around.

I can tell that I've been going through a rough time lately, whatever that rough time might be, I know it's one of the recurring things I go through, but I honestly couldn't define it. I can tell that something is seriously wrong, and not just because of my terrible moods, or my ability to go from 10 to -10 in a split second, but also because of a cloud of obvious indicators that follow me around. I haven't been doing my chores at all, pretty much just ignoring my to do list altogether. Thankfully and luckily Bekki has been picking up my slack, but I really can feel myself slipping and not having the energy or motivation and that's a terrible thing, a terrible thing that can lead to worse things, but I know it will pass. I'm not saying that it's the end of the world, rather I'm saying it's a clear indicator that something is changed in my head, temporarily. The anxiety in my stomach, racing thoughts, desire to be creative but the torture of having the inability to focus on anything, not reading as much, not playing games or having a hard time concentrating, my fear of spending money, and also my lack of fear of spending money (it goes up and down)... these are all things plaguing me lately, and it's getting old now, I'm getting tired of it. I need to snap myself out of it, I need to wake up with a clear mind and a stomach that doesn't feel twisted into knots. I need to tell myself to have an organized day, to accomplish things, to feel good about the things that I do. I know that there isn't a 100% chance that that's going to do anything, but it's a place to start, and when you feel lost and hopeless, having a place to start is one of the most important things.

A few select lyrics from Bright Eyes' A Song To Pass The Time:

...

Don't stay so far away from me.
This weather has me wanting love more tangible.
Something I can hold cause it's getting cold.

---

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As I've wrote a hundred times, I suffer from anxiety as if I were about to go on a stage and perform or give a speech, that crippling anxiety or butterflies that appear in your stomach, but it comes and goes but it's always present, at least in some amount. Anyway, the point I'd like to make in this paragraph is that for the last week or two it's been a bit worse than normal. I always assume that the main source of the anxiety is the ever looming shifts at work, for whatever reason, they make me nervous, and I know that they shouldn't... and I think it's something that only comes when I'm in school. But then fast forward to Monday or Tuesday, where I know I don't have to go back to work for days and days, and yet I still feel nervous. I feel nervous when I wake up and get ready for school, and I feel nervous sitting in class, and I feel nervous when I get home. I feel like I'm waiting for something terrible to happen but I don't know what. The point of this paragraph was to simply state that that has been happening, and no real point beyond that.

While on a different day, the events that took place today could've made a relaxing day, I found today to be abnormally stressful and painful, to the point of near collapse at multiple points, both mental and physical. A combination of school work and resulting frustration and dissatisfaction, combined with a migraine that's been going up and down, worse to better to much worse to a bit better, and I guess it was mainly those two things that kind of ruined my day.

Most recently I've been itching to be creative... I've been searching my brain for something to create - to program specifically. With all the programming at school, it's got me wanting to make something of substance and purpose, so I've been trying to think of something, and I may have thought of something finally, but before I write about it, I'll plan it out first.

I sit here feeling as though my heart is about to explode, feeling full of anxiety and discomfort. I'm dizzy and disoriented, feeling alone and never quite so unimportant. Simple pleasures? Happiness in the small things? These are the things I've learned to direct my life towards - to appreciate and seek out and raise up to special.

I suck at writing now, I never know what to say. I think about things to write constantly through the day and it sounds so good, and it's all gone when I sit down to type. It bothers me and leaves me feeling defeated at the end of the night because I had wanted to write some meaningful garbage and I end up just summarizing my day.

I had wanted to write earlier; Twice I had thought to myself, "I will write that tonight", and I looked forward to it, but now I sit here and don't remember anything I was going to write.